Thursday, January 29, 2009

Last Post, With A Bit Of Luck

Things will soon be moving over to a real live website... Which is delightful and delicious, but certainly not de-lovely. NEVER delovely.

It's not even a word, for Christ's sake.

At any rate, I have been working surprisingly hard the past few days, organizing, stacking, collating, figuring out how to spell collating as it tends to be pronounced weirdly, etc, and the point is that here, the end is night. Over there at an as yet undisclosed location, change is upon me!

I'm almost excited.

Right, well, no real personal stuff that needs mentioning, see you all soon.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Getting ready to make a move...

My crippling inertia seems to be coming to an end, as I am about to be acted upon by a greater or equal force.

How's that for an opening sentence. Newtonian physics as metaphor for ennui? He wouldn't dare! Oh, but he did.

To continue on this decidedly scientific trend, I shall quote long deceased French mathematician/physicist Henri Poincaré, who once charmingly wrote that "Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything." Now had he been a proper Frenchman, he would have stared wistfully off after that comma and said something more like "But this flash... she eez everything." But he isn't a proper Frenchman, he's a dead guy who wrote something that was likely translated.

I digress so thoroughly I'm not sure I'm still the same man who started writing.

Anyways, the point is that I am launching off on a new endeavor. Gone will be this barren, faceless and rarely updated blog, and in its place shall be something wondrous. In short, I'm working on a website which shall contain all of the following:

1) My fictional works. But he's a musician, you protest. But he's best at mocking established social values and pointing out the foibles of the misguided race that is humanity, you say. Well, that may well be true, but there's no reason I can't take what I think and have someone I made up say it, is there?

2) Musical works. This is pretty much covered by the first. My musical taste shifts like the sands in an hourglass, and I enjoy spreading the word on the works of myself and all those I worship at the feet at to any and all who would listen.

3) This kind of wobbly rambling that you've already become accustomed to.

And finally, 4) Information pertaining to animals I wish existed.

Alright that last one was a bit of a joke, but you can see why it might come up. I mean, I wish the giraffe/crocodile hybrid existed, if only to see one and, with a bit of luck, be eaten by one and end my days in what effectively amounts to riding a waterslide down the throat of a great beast when having been partially chewed.

That'll do for now. Details to come as I launch the entirely self indulgent website of RJC, Renaissance Man.


Note: I was called a renaissance man by someone else. Had I strictly placed that title upon myself it would indicate an amount of pomposity and arrogance even I am incapable of. Plus I don't paint.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!

I checked my Google reader feeds and found quite a pleasant surprise in there for me... The following sums it up quite nicely:

Speaking to Joe Bosso of, Jimmy Page’s manager Peter Mensch responded to recent reports indicating that Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham were preparing to record new music and tour together. As you’re about to read, Mensch’s response finally – and firmly – puts all rumors to rest.

“Led Zeppelin are over,” Mensch told Bosso and “If you didn't see them in 2007 [when they played a one-off reunion at London's O2 Arena], you missed them. It's done. I can't be any clearer than that.”

Now I have never made my dislike for Led Zeppelin a secret, but what I truly hope here is that people will cease thinking that rock music stopped progressing 30 goddamn years ago. That has bothered me more than anything else. Bands which should have given credit for advancing the cause of 4-piece rock music have been passed over by countless fans who refuse to let go of their heroes. Worse than that, countless young people have had Zeppelin foisted upon them by overzealous fathers and not looked at the music which really captures the current zeitgeist. The only thing Led Zeppelin captures was an unhealthy Tolkien obsession and desire to "rock," and judging by their music, rock sloppily.

While I'm sure this brings no joy to many, and direct sadness to some, look at it as an opportunity! Let go, and rediscover the true meaning of rock music: rebellion and commentary growing strictly out of the time in which it is created! Wake up and get modern, assholes!


Quote found in article here. Courtesy

Monday, January 5, 2009

5 Things NOT To Google.

In searching for publicity and "linkbaiting" my blog to popularity, I found a list of the most commonly Googled things and started thinking. What about all those dreadful things I wish I'd NEVER Googled?

In my life, I have done much Google-image-searching in order to find pictures that make people feel uncomfortable, laugh hard, or generally react in a manner which amuses me. I have, however, come across several words or phrases the results of which make me profoundly disgusted or otherwise bothered. As such, I felt like I should compile this list, with a brief description of what the Google-able item is and WHY one shouldn't dare look at these images.

1) "Clown porn" --I know this idea seems hilarious, but ultimately as the action heats up and the greasepaint runs or smears along thighs and chests, it simply becomes disgusting. This is for the truly demented. In a world where people largely live in fear of harlequins and their ilk, seeing people role-play fucking while in these costumes proves more than the human mind can bear.

2) "Necrotizing fasciitis"--This was something of a buzzword perhaps a decade ago, when it went by it's Mediagod-given name "the flesh eating virus." It is an infection of the skin which can prove to have devastating results on the bodies of those afflicted with it, and the image search results are, of course, brutally graphic. If you want to see what the Dark Knight's Two Face would look like in real life, then go ahead, but then try to get that image out of your head.

3) "Brown recluse bite"--In a similar vein to the above, the bite of a brown recluse spider causes "loxoscelism," a condition either skin-specific or systemic, but overall causing the following (thanks to Wikipedia for the specifics on how gross this is): "a gangrenous slough at the site of bite, nausea, malaise, fever, hemolysis, and thrombocytopenia." Now the latter two are generally speaking fancy pants medical terms, but if the phrase "gangrenous slough" doesn't make you feel ill, then you are likely not human. Or you are the necrophilia world's equivalent of a "chubby chaser."

4) "Monkfish"--I will admit that being frightened of an animal is somewhat childish and perhaps overreacting to the evolutionary process that has allowed animals to survive. But in admitting that, I must add the caveat that if you believe that to be consistently true 100% of the time, you are not familiar with the deep sea horror that is the monkfish. It possesses some combination of long, semi-translucent teeth as seen in the "Alien" film franchise with the primal terror of vagina dentata. What's worse is that as it is meant to live in the water, it compresses and flattens out in the air, without the water to surround it. One run-in with this fucker at the fishmongers would be enough to have you eating chicken nuggets for the rest of your life.

5) "BME olympics"--BME is the Body Modification Ezine, a fascinating publication with an enthralling wiki detailing everything form genital mutilation to, well, genital mutilation. People who are apparently unsatisfied with their perfectly functioning bodies use this magazine to espouse their particular brands of mutilation. The "Olympics" was a montage of such acts including but not limited to: A man chopping his penis off with a hatchet, a man electrocuting his genitals to orgasm whilst smashing them into the top of a cactus, scrotums pumped full of saline and a variety of other perversions of the human form. It should be noted here that I am not condemning their acts as "perverse" by societal standards, but instead saying that they are literally shaping the human form in a manner which no one expects. The image search results sport a variety of strange things, including a woman with a pierced uvula, severed testicles, the famed "hatchet v. genitals" argument, and curiously enough, a picture of a sign from the Beijing olympics. It is likely to be avoided, unless you want to see deep into the boredom and distaste people can feel with their own bodies, and the curiosity they feel at the possibilities of modifying it.

There. Now you have my advice, and of course likely want to explore these options. It should be noted here that you do so at your own risk and RJC LLHB (limited liability human being) is in no way responsible. Happy late New Years, now chop off your dick, watch it rot, get a rimjob from a clown, feed the dick to a monkfish (and the clown while you're at it), and be happy and prosperous, as ever.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Comments from the Previous Post

That merited reproduction here.

Snott Normal said...
I'm right with you, up to the point where you suggested I should be doing my job instead of reading this shit. Learning whoever' hoo-hah was doing the nasty with whoever's bajingo is the only thing that gets me through the day.

On a more serious note, though, the whole blogging phenomenon is no less rife with stupidity than the rest of the Internet. When I was making a pennies from my writing, it was always fun to see what sorts of things brought in massive numbers of random surfers. I think the most snazzy hit-get'er was a blurb about the "Nakedbook" app that someone invited me to on Facebook. Apparently there were a lot of teenage boys hitting me from Google searches for "naked." And I got paid for it.

Wired might as well have said to add BOOBS as a tag to every post. Linkfarms exist for a reason.

Basically, if a person wants to make money writing, they should go write trashy romance novels or novelizations of movies based on books or something. Banking on attaining the dubious quality of "internet famous" is kind of like dumping your kid's college fund into scratch-off lottery tickets while beating off to reruns of Garfield and Friends. Seriously.

In closing, I hope that people stop giving stupid ideas to stupider people and just leave the furthering of the upskirt news industry to Twitter - it seems like it's mostly fazed out celebrity shitshow blogs anyways.

In secondary closing, I'm even more annoyed now that I didn't cancel my Wired subscription before it auto-renewed.

January 4, 2009 6:18 PM

Rich said...
All I will say is that I am in no way banking on getting internet famous. I am instead seeking to reform the internet. This may require some purging and some "stupid cleansing" which is effective death camps for people who go "REALLY?" when you jokingly tell them that Orlando Bloom was spotted "kanoodling" with a dude.

If I'm going make money off writing, I want it to be printed and have some degree of fucking backbone. But in the Blog world, I want more fucking thought. It's a great medium, its just a damn shame everyone can do it.

January 4, 2009 6:21 PM

Snott Normal said...
I wasn't referring to you so much as the folks that unfortunately took Wired's advice to heart. Which would be, I'd suspect, the majority of folks that aren't just "some guy who basically just writes about things that happen."

As "some guy who basically just writes about things that happen," I can say that my personal favorite blogs are those of folks who write for other media in the first place. Then I follow their suggestions of other people worth reading. It seems to work.

At least most things are better-ish than YouTube's comments field. Sort of.

January 4, 2009 6:33 PM

Rich said...
Youtube's comment fields are "LOL FULLA FAGS N SHIT LOL."

The amount of retardation on and perhaps directly caused by the internet is astounding, but we can hopefully overcome them. I agree on the idea of following existing writers, and seeing what they think day to day rather than what they put out in the one painfully edited down volume they might squeeze out a year, or in the case of Stephen King, every two weeks.

I'm going to start tagging my posts with a mixture of "Obama", "Nude", "Homosexual" and "Terrorism", which are a blend of the top Googled words from the past few years.

It seems like a sound plan. Also, I may post this entire comment field as a blog entry due to it being interesting and entertaining.

Also I will change your comments, removing all correct grammar and punctuation. And the word bajingo. On this blog, we use the following: "stink mitten", "fish wrinkle", and "gunny sack."

And rather than any cutesy term for scrotum, I prefer "furry nutbag." What's that? You shave it? Then "furless nutbag."

I don't feel I need to add much of anything to this. But hey, it's nice to have a bit of a debate or a non-monopolic thought process. Although with my brain you tend to get conflicting opinions all from one source. That's what makes me so interesting, I hope. I'm a mixed bag.


The Search For Publicity, and Thus, Money.

Recently I recieved, in my Google reader stream, a article telling bloggers how to increase traffic. I see several flaws with this article. I will now run through their three "tips" and give my objections, as I am a miserable bastard who hates it when others succeed, and must tear things down. Good lord. I'm a critic.

Tip 1: Do Good PR.

This tip requires networking with other bloggers, commenting on famous blogs, and linking to them. Makes some form of sense. The only problem? Who the fuck is a famous blogger that writes anything I even remotely care about? I enjoy some writers blogs, and those of my friends, but the only famed bloggers are those that specialize in some blend of gossip, news, and pictures of celebrities accidentally showing their crotches to people whilst getting in and out of cars.

Tip 2: Create a Hook.

Here they indicate that you should write a catchy title. Dear lord. Their advice is actually "Scan the tabloids at the supermarket and try to write a headline like this." So I should write a blog mocking say, the rap music industry, and title it "50 Cent Shot by Nude KKK Member!"? In all seriousness, the idea of giving things titles that aren't fitting to the content is sickening.

Tip 3: Piggyback.

I will cut and paste their advice then ream it.

"You may not be able to break a juicy story ("britney shaves head—again!") but you can pontificate on it ("inside britney's shaved head"). Your post will show up in searches for the story, and you'll hoover up the hits."

In other words, you might not be able to be the first, but you can be the most annoying. Again, the example given seems to indicate that the only worthy blogs are those covering celebrity claptrap. Who gives a shit? That's rhetorical, a lot of people obvious do, but the real question is as follows: Should one compromise the genre and content of his or her writing in order to achieve success? Moreover, should one attempt to dip his/her toe into a veritable OCEAN of people clamoring to make money off whatever young starlet accidentally showed pubes at a premiere? It does make sense, to a degree, to go where the money is. BUT and this is a HUGE BUT!

It makes no sense to compromise what you want to do without a guarantee of success. In fact, due to the sheer plethora of celebrity gossip available on the internet, it makes more sense to look ELSEWHERE for money.

These people are why I drink.

At any rate, I will continue to soldier on, attempting to figure out what people would like to read about that is not celebrity gossip and the associate detritus. Honestly, there are other things to think about in this world. Many many many other things. In fact, thinking about the fact that this seems to be all we think about, as I have done for the past few moments, might be a worthwhile endeavor. Maybe one day we can get people being creative or doing, oh I don't know, their FUCKING JOBS instead of reading this stuff.


Edited to include the Wired article:

Enjoy. Or not. If you're reading this, you likely won't.

Saturday, January 3, 2009


Here is a proposal I would somewhat like to make to DC comics.

Gotham city has been overrun by criminals, and none of them are as glamorous as the super-villains of old. Instead, this new breed of criminals is something deceptively evil: average. They are men, women, thieves and liars. They murder out of greed, rape out of lust and a desire to dominate, and generally speaking have no flair. Batman must up his tactics to beat them back, to restore order to a city where the average citizen has become a threat to all around them.

A man runs through alleyways, smiling at the thrill of the chase. He turns a corner and hazards a look behind him, seeing the fluttering caped crusader charging behind him, his feet pounding into the pavement with the force of jackhammers. He hits a dead end in the alley and begins trying to climb the fence. Batman's hand appears in a panel grabbing the back of the thug's jacket collar, his barbed gloves gleaming in the dim light.

The next panel shows the thug sprawled on his back, up on his elbows, frightened but almost laughing at the spectacle before him. Batman stands astride him wearing assless chaps as part of his usual costume. He leaps and catches the offender in the jaw with his boot. He straddles the young man's face, a boot on either side of his head, and shits in his mouth.

That's right. In order to stop the crime wave overtaking his beloved Gotham City, Batman was forced to resort to the most deadly tactics of all: Scat.