Monday, January 5, 2009

5 Things NOT To Google.

In searching for publicity and "linkbaiting" my blog to popularity, I found a list of the most commonly Googled things and started thinking. What about all those dreadful things I wish I'd NEVER Googled?

In my life, I have done much Google-image-searching in order to find pictures that make people feel uncomfortable, laugh hard, or generally react in a manner which amuses me. I have, however, come across several words or phrases the results of which make me profoundly disgusted or otherwise bothered. As such, I felt like I should compile this list, with a brief description of what the Google-able item is and WHY one shouldn't dare look at these images.

1) "Clown porn" --I know this idea seems hilarious, but ultimately as the action heats up and the greasepaint runs or smears along thighs and chests, it simply becomes disgusting. This is for the truly demented. In a world where people largely live in fear of harlequins and their ilk, seeing people role-play fucking while in these costumes proves more than the human mind can bear.

2) "Necrotizing fasciitis"--This was something of a buzzword perhaps a decade ago, when it went by it's Mediagod-given name "the flesh eating virus." It is an infection of the skin which can prove to have devastating results on the bodies of those afflicted with it, and the image search results are, of course, brutally graphic. If you want to see what the Dark Knight's Two Face would look like in real life, then go ahead, but then try to get that image out of your head.

3) "Brown recluse bite"--In a similar vein to the above, the bite of a brown recluse spider causes "loxoscelism," a condition either skin-specific or systemic, but overall causing the following (thanks to Wikipedia for the specifics on how gross this is): "a gangrenous slough at the site of bite, nausea, malaise, fever, hemolysis, and thrombocytopenia." Now the latter two are generally speaking fancy pants medical terms, but if the phrase "gangrenous slough" doesn't make you feel ill, then you are likely not human. Or you are the necrophilia world's equivalent of a "chubby chaser."

4) "Monkfish"--I will admit that being frightened of an animal is somewhat childish and perhaps overreacting to the evolutionary process that has allowed animals to survive. But in admitting that, I must add the caveat that if you believe that to be consistently true 100% of the time, you are not familiar with the deep sea horror that is the monkfish. It possesses some combination of long, semi-translucent teeth as seen in the "Alien" film franchise with the primal terror of vagina dentata. What's worse is that as it is meant to live in the water, it compresses and flattens out in the air, without the water to surround it. One run-in with this fucker at the fishmongers would be enough to have you eating chicken nuggets for the rest of your life.

5) "BME olympics"--BME is the Body Modification Ezine, a fascinating publication with an enthralling wiki detailing everything form genital mutilation to, well, genital mutilation. People who are apparently unsatisfied with their perfectly functioning bodies use this magazine to espouse their particular brands of mutilation. The "Olympics" was a montage of such acts including but not limited to: A man chopping his penis off with a hatchet, a man electrocuting his genitals to orgasm whilst smashing them into the top of a cactus, scrotums pumped full of saline and a variety of other perversions of the human form. It should be noted here that I am not condemning their acts as "perverse" by societal standards, but instead saying that they are literally shaping the human form in a manner which no one expects. The image search results sport a variety of strange things, including a woman with a pierced uvula, severed testicles, the famed "hatchet v. genitals" argument, and curiously enough, a picture of a sign from the Beijing olympics. It is likely to be avoided, unless you want to see deep into the boredom and distaste people can feel with their own bodies, and the curiosity they feel at the possibilities of modifying it.

There. Now you have my advice, and of course likely want to explore these options. It should be noted here that you do so at your own risk and RJC LLHB (limited liability human being) is in no way responsible. Happy late New Years, now chop off your dick, watch it rot, get a rimjob from a clown, feed the dick to a monkfish (and the clown while you're at it), and be happy and prosperous, as ever.


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